


electrify my heart

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Burning, Crying, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Break, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, Other, Panic Attacks, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Sander sides spoilers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Serious Injuries, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Therapy, damn these bitches gay good 4 them!!, logan is a panicked gay, mainly 4 deceits actual name, tags will change, will there b a ship? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Logan believes that his emotions are the reasons for his constant mistakes, so he removes them.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 53
Kudos: 261





	1. pushed it in too far

**Author's Note:**

> TW: accidental burning, self deprication, blisters, crying.

Logan yearned to belong. He didn't fit with the light sides. He wasn't as emotionally open as the others were, and he wasn't as loved or even as noticed as they were. Logan was weird to put simply.

He tried shoving his emotions down into a metaphorical box and metaphorically throwing them out the window. Yet they'd reappear in full force out of nowhere. He'd be watching a Disney movie with the sides when he would have a strong urge to cry, or he'd be playing chess with Janus just to excuse himself to cry in the bathroom. Logan couldn't keep his emotions in check, which made him vulnerable. His emotions would cause him to delay with his work, and he was far too busy for delays. He had a scheduled to follow, and he couldn't be a failure to his family, they relied on him to have a schedule.  
———  
The sides were in disagreement and it was all Logans fault. He placed two important dates to occur right next to each other, not realizing that one of these dates would require him to miss the other date. The logical side couldn't hear what they were saying, their words were just static as the voices in his head grew louder, the lump in his throat becoming more uncomfortable the longer he stood in their company.

I don't belong here, Logan thought to himself as he felt tears well up, I don't deserve to be here, I'm a failure.

The buzzing sound grew more infuriating and he couldn't breathe. The air felt like bricks in his lungs, he couldn't stand being here anymore.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, his voice trembling.

The sides looked at him with a worried expression.

"I-I gravely messed up and it's causing turmoil, I'm sorry that I'm useless," Logan apologized.

"Logan no! You're not useless, we all make mistakes," Patton replied, trying to comfort the other side.

"But I can't make mistakes, how am I supposed to function correctly if I keep making stupid mistakes?" Logan questions," I'm sorry, I-I can't be here right now."

Logan goes down to his room, looking at the papers surrounding his desk before his leg gives out. He falls to the ground and weeps. It hurt, the memories that constantly reminded him of how he failed his family.

I don't deserve to call them family, He thought. I'm selfish for wanting to belong in something I'm never going to be a part of. Am I just destined to be unwanted?

Logan wanted to prove himself important for the people he cared about, but the constant mistake was dissatisfactory to the light sides. They wouldn't miss him, he had nothing to give them.  
He wished he didn't feel this way, he was tired of battling himself. His emotions, his feelings, these human traits were making him useless, a burden, unwanted.

Remove them, Logan thought suddenly, remove my emotions.

This would cause him to feel numb. He'd be in a dissociation like state, but if it meant he would be able to work and be useful then he'd do it. He'd do anything for the light sides loving attention.  
———  
The next morning came and Patton awoke to find Logan making coffee.

"Hey Logan, are you feeling better?" Patton asked.

"I don't feel anything Patton," Logan answers.

Patton rolls his eyes, somewhat expecting this," well, sure kiddo. I'm glad you're back to your regular self."

Logan nodded.

"And uh- you're not a failure. I hope you know that."

Logan nodded, yet he didn't seem to process it.

Patton began cooking breakfast with Logan, who stayed awkwardly quiet.

"So, any plans?" Patton questioned.

"None according to schedule," Logan voiced.

Patton nods, picking off the last scrambled eggs off the pan.

"I'll begin washing the dishes," Logan informs, reaching to grab the frying pan.

"Logan wait you'll burn yourself!" Morality warned him too late, Logic had grabbed the frying pain, but he showed no sign of pain.

"Oh, will I?" Logan mutters as he places the pan down to check his palm.

His palm was a bright red and Patton gasped.

"Oh my goodness are you okay?!" Patton asked worriedly.

"Yes, I do not feel the effects of the burn," Logan informs.

"Well, um-I guess it's good that your hand doesn't hurt but go clean it up, I'll call the others down," Patton remorsefully smiles.

He's pitying me, Logan thinks.

"I'll heal it later, I'll get the sides."

"It'll take longer to heal then! And I don't want you to get an infection! Plus it's fine, I can get them, it's no trouble."

Logan sighs," alright."

Patton smiles grows," great!"

———  
Logan looks at his blisters, watching as the cold water hit his hand.

Perhaps removing my emotions caused me to not feel pain, Logan thought as he turned the faucet off, a sense of not feeling pain would perhaps be beneficial to my work since I don't have to focus on any discomfort. Furthermore, if Thomas is in any pain than Virgil can help him, that is his role.

Logan wrapped his wounded hand and straightened himself out, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling he got when he looked in the mirror.

"New day, new me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im shit at remembering to update but i hope u like the first chapter :)!


	2. locked up on the button

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, hyper ventilating, crying, food, reference to drowning, reference to vomit, dissociating

Logan felt off the rest of the day. His mind was fazing in and out of consciousness. He would be writing a plan to find himself in the kitchen with scolding hot coffee splattered all over him.

I most likely just didn't sleep well, Logan concluded as he threw his dirty clothes in the laundry.

He turned the button on and watched as the machine whirled.  
———  
"No offense Logan, but I mean you are a bit, tiny, just an infinitesimal bit boring," Patton joked, winking when he said infinitesimal.

Logan ignored the feeling of arrows shot at his heart," it was one mistake!! And how is the philosophical debate of law boring? It's an interesting debate that shows how a person-"

"I mean, you're kinda proving it right now teach," Roman interrupts," I'm sure it's interesting in all, but I think for a family night we'd rather spend time doing something actually fun."

I think it's fun, Logan thinks to himself.

"How about we watch a movie for tonight then!" Patton suggests," I can make pizza!"

"Woo great idea! I think it's Virgil's turn to pick the movie too," Roman adds.

Logan knows he isn't needed here anymore and that he has no place to put input so he leaves. He sinks to his room and lays in bed, staring at the glow in the dark stars on top of his ceiling. 

They don't want me. I bother them, I'm an annoyance. His mind is quick to press him with facts.

I am boring, Logan reminds himself of Patton's words.

Logan eyes sink as his mind persistently reminds him of his infinitesimal mistake.

"It was one mistake!!" Logan cries, slamming a fist down.

They must think that I'm a joke, an annoying boring joke. Why do I even contribute? It's not like they ever listened to my suggestions. It's not like my contributions are welcomes, it's not like I'm even wanted. Logan ponders, suddenly noticing the tears streaming down his face.

"I'm a joke," Logan repeats softly to himself, hugging the pillow as he cries into it.

The room is foggy as he hears the others laughing. He looks up realizing that they've started without him.

"They don't want me around them," Logan mutters in realizations, his tears now flowing heavily.

His breathing accelerated as he yanked at his hair, screaming nonsense onto his pillow. He was alone and his own family didn't care that he was alone. They didn't care that he was crying and they definitely didn't care for him.

His chest was tense, his throat was closing and he couldn't breathe correctly. He tried breathing but he couldn't, he couldn't do a simple necessity.

"In for four," Logan tried to breathe in but the air was choking him," In for-fuck I can't do it!! I can't do anything right I'm useless!! I'm a failure I can't do anything!!"

Logan felt like vomiting. He felt nauseous, oh how he wanted for someone to come and tell him that it would be okay. But no one cared for him. He hugged himself as he rocked himself, trying to wait for the symptoms to pass and they eventually did. It was a horrible ten minutes of feeling everything and feeling nothing. The logical side clenched his chest as he stood up, his legs felt like jello and he stumbled back to bed. His eyes were begging for him to close his eyes so he did. The feeling of loneliness remained however.  
———  
When he regained consciousness he abruptly noticed that he was on the ground and hyperventilating. The logical side stood up, placing a hand onto the wall to hold himself up. Logic clenched his shirt, trying to regain steady breathing. He didn't know how long he was on the ground and he didn't exactly want to know either, he was petrified. The sudden rush of emotions made him feel sick and his head was pounding. Logan was drowning, and it hurt. Everything hurt, he wanted it all to stop. 

"stop stop stop _stop stop stop stop stop stop_ -"

Logan gasps awake sitting up from the bed. He blinked, scanning around the room around him. 

"Was it all a dream?" Logan whispered, confused about how he got to his room.

Logic heard the door knock, calling out to whoever was on the other side to come in. Patton walked in holding his shirt.

"Hey kiddo! I just wanted to bring in your shirt!" Patton smiled," you left it in the wash since this morning, and maybe you forgot so I came to give it to you."

Logan squinted in confused, he checked his watch and in shock realized that ten hours had passed. 

"Did something occur today?" Logan asked.

Patton titled his head a bit," hm, well I accidentally spilled coffee on you and you went to go put it in the wash. You were gone for a while but you came back and we did some discussion for the next video idea and I'm pretty sure that's all we did, why are you asking me? You were there!"

Patton chuckled at the end of his sentence. Logan still felt confused on what occurred but shook his head," well thank you for retrieving my shirt and tie. I'll pay you back eventually."

Patton smiled," awe thanks Logi! But it's okay, just doing a good thing."

Logan rolled his eyes at the nickname," I've told you to not call me Logi, as well as I, should at least help in some way."

"Yeah well, I'm still gonna keep calling you Logi. And you always help!" Patton smiles grows.

Logan can feel his mouth tug to form a small smile," thank you, Patton."

Patton nods and leaves the room with a small wave. Logan clapped just hands together and looked at his desk," time to get started on work then."

Logan sat at his desk and looked at the schedule, noticing that dates had been changed and altered. The logical side didn't remember altering the schedule, however, the new changes were an improvement on the old schedule. Logan was surprised that during his unconscious his performance improved. This added to his delusion that his dissociation was an improvement. Logic rechecked his work, noting how they were either almost done or complete. He smiled to himself, proud of the accomplished work he completed.

I'm finally being useful, Logan thought to himself and looked at the schedule, tomorrow is filming day. I should head to bed to get some early rest.

He still felt weird awkward looking in the mirror, his body felt distorted yet still the same. Logan just believed that seeing the same face on multiple people was making him see himself strangely. He brushed his teeth and washed his face, leaving the bathroom, and went to bed. He didn't think it was weird how he fell asleep in seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: :( logan goes through a lot this chapter  
> me, reeling halfway done with the next chapter: haha logan has no mental stability


	3. cant look at your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: crying, referenced self harm, thoughts of suicide, dissociation, food

Logan felt fuzzy when he woke up. The things he perceived in his room had a strange tv static feel to it. He knew it made no sense, but neither did his perception of reality. Today wasn't a good day to film, he knew that something disastrous would happen, but he didn't want to upset his family. Logan knew that if he wanted their praise then he'd risk himself for it. No pain, no gain. 

His brain nagged at him to get up and to start getting ready, yet he stayed in bed. Logan couldn't think, no, more like he couldn't process any of his thoughts. His mind was going a hundred miles per hour and none of it registered. His body and mind felt cold and numb. The logical side pulled his blanket closer to him, ignoring the tugs of the other side summons. Logan didn't want to get up, he had no motivation to. He embraced the quiet, letting the only sounds be the ticking of the clock. He knew that he should be worried about being late, he should be worried that he's missing another meal, he should care, yet he didn't. He simultaneously cared and didn't care about the consequences of his actions, and Logan didn't have the strength to figure it out.  
———  
It took a while but Logan forced himself up, fixing his body and ignoring the signs of poor sleep and lack of energy. He summoned himself up to find the others in a dispute.

"We can learn from our mistakes!!" Patton argues.

"If Thomas keeps making mistakes then he won't be hired for another show!" Roman retorts.

How ironic. Logan looked at each side before beginning to speak," may I ask what the current predicament is?"

"Oh hey you finally showed up," Roman remarked sarcastically.

Logan paid no attention to Roman's words," I was caught up with something, I apologize for being late."

"It's okay, and so what happened was that Thomas made a small, tiny mistake-"

"Yeah, if you mean how Thomas messed up the most important line of his big shot musical because someone couldn't stop being a worrywart!!" Roman groaned in frustration, glaring at Virgil.

Virgil rolled his eyes," well I'm sorry! It's not my fault that our ex decided to come to our opening show out of nowhere!"

"Is this the predicament?" Logan questioned looking at Thomas," we've gone through this so many times Thomas, you need to have a growth mindset. As explained in Carol Dwele's book, if-"

"If a nerd won't bring up an actual good point than that nerd shouldn't bring anything up!" Roman interrupts.

"Roman!" Patton scolded, but that had no effect on the creative side.

"It is alright Patton," Logan said," and as I was trying to say, mistakes are important to the development of the mind. With constant mistakes the mind will grow and learn from them, however, if the mind has a fixed mindset, then they'll take their mistakes and make them seem like errors."

"Mistakes are errors!! If you keep making mistakes then you're not doing anything helpful!" Roman explained," I just- gosh we messed up so badly."

"One mistake isn't going to change things Roman," Saying that was a mistake.

"Of course you can say that brainiac! You don't have to worry about making mistakes cause you're too smart to make mistakes! You just don't get these kinds of things, okay?!" Roman stated.

Logan pauses, rethinking of Roman's words.

Yet I do make mistakes and I'm not smart please understand me, Logan thinks as he says, "you're right, I don't understand your emotional issues but-"

"Then why are you even here," Roman asked bitterly," you don't feel anything, so how is any of your suggestions going to help? And it's not like we even wanted you here."

Logan's eyes widened, they really didn't want him.

"Roman that's enough!" Patton interrupts," I- Logan he didn't mean that."

"Jeez Roman, that was way too far," Thomas scolds.

Roman huffs and Virgil rolls his eyes," yeah, why are you putting all of your anger on teaching? He didn't even do anything."

"Hey, Logan are you okay?" Patton asked.

Logan blinked, trying to blink away the static," I- I'm fine."

"Logan you're crying," Thomas muttered.

Logan wiped his face, suddenly realizing that he was crying," I didn't realize that I was."

The sides, but Roman, looked at him worriedly.

Please stop looking, Logan thought.

He felt like a bug under a microscope, he felt intruded and their gazes were too much.

"Since my contributions are not needed, I shall leave," Logan stated in a monotone voice.

"Wait for Logan-"

Virgil was too late as Logan had quickly sunk out.  
———  
Logan sank to his room and starred at the fake stars. He felt empty.

" _it's not like we even wanted you here_ "

Logan could see the tears block his vision, yet he couldn't feel the sensation of loss of air or his lungs expanding to let the tears flow heavier. Logan's mind was preoccupied with remembering the events that had just occurred.

Why did I even get up from bed, Logan pondered staring at the bathroom sink.

"Why do I even try anymore," Logan whispered, he was destined to be a failure.

Can sides die, the sudden thought popped in his head.

Logan shook his head, he shouldn't think like that. His leaving would gravely error Thomas's thought process, however, the thought being able to disappear was reassuring.

A simple test wouldn't hurt, Logan thought.

He pulled out his box cutter and looked at his arm, he stared at it numbly, something holding him back from hurting himself.

The logical side sighed heavily.

" _you don't feel anything_ "

He blinked and found himself in the bathtub, red marks covering his arm. They weren't bleeding and they were slightly healed. The logical side stood up, putting on a sweater. Logan felt 'normal', or really he didn't have any fuzzy feelings that clouded his mind.

Perhaps I took a bath to relax after my incident and just fell asleep, Logan concluded.

Logan checked the time and saw that it was six, which meant that he was only gone for three hours. Logan held his stomach, not realizing how hungry he was.

Logan opened the door and entered the kitchen, he only saw Virgil.

"Oh hey Log-Oh god Logan are you okay?!" Virgil asked.

Logan nodded," I am feeling satisfactory."

Virgil looked at him confused," are-are you sure? You were gone for a while."

It was Logan's turn to be confused," three hours doesn't seem that long."

Virgil's eyes widened," Logan, it's been two days." 

The logical side stared at the other before stumbling with his words," I- what? It's six and I left at three thirty-five."

"Yeah, it's six AM, have you checked outside?" Virgil questioned.

Logan looked outside and Virgil was correct, the sun was beginning to rise.

"Are-are you okay? You wouldn't leave your room but you still talked to us though," The anxious side asked worriedly.

Logan blinked, trying to process the information," I'm-Im alright. I suppose that I've been so busy that I don't exactly remember the conversation."

Virgil knew that Logan was lying, Logan never forgot anything. No matter how minor it was, the logical side would always remember it. Virgil debated asking, but Logan looked tired. Logan looked mentally weak so he sighed and turned to pour Logan a cup of coffee," here, you look like you need this."

"Thank you, Virgil, I was feeling a bit parched," Logan thanked.

Anxiety nodded," get some food in you too, you somehow look more iron deficient than I am."

Logan chuckled," I will."

"Also um- I'm not good at saying this stuff but take care of yourself, okay? And uh-I like you here," Anxiety awkwardly smiled at Logan, who seemed genuinely affected by Virgil's words.

There was an awkward pause before Logan muttered," thank you, it means a lot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one will b unsympathetic btw, roman is just an asshole.


	4. forget it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: crying, thoughts of suicide, referenced self harm, dissociation

Logan knocked on Janus's door, taking in a deep breath as the deceitful side opened the door.

"Logan, I _totally_ expected to you here," Janus welcomed," now, what do I owe for this surprise visit ."

"You don't owe anything, why would you have to pay for opening the door?" Logan questioned.

"I didn't mean that I-I whatever, why are you visiting me?" Janus questioned.

"This is an aberrant question, yet I must ask, for the last two days have you been pretending to be me?" Logan asked.

Janus gave a long blink as he squinted at the logical side," is-is this a joke?"

Logan shook his head," you know I don't enjoy jokes, Janus."

"That question was dumb and you know it," Deceit sneered," what's the going on?"

Logic bit his lip slightly," I can't explain."

"I'm sure you cant," Deceit hissed.

"It'd about a predicament that occurred two days ago, nonetheless the situation is resolved," Logan very briefly explained.

"If this is about what Roman said than I _don't_ know about it," Janus stated," what he said was quite shitty and unjustified, I'd understand if you're feeling upset and wanting to blame someone-"

"It's not that!" Logan interrupts, placing a hand over his mouth when he realized how loud he was.

Janus gave him a quick worried expression before slightly shaking his head," I _want_ Remus to come and find that you're here, come inside please."

Deceit gave room for the logical side to pass through the door and the pair sat on his bed.

"I apologize for being noisy, it's just," Logan pauses for a moment," I don't feel upset, I don't feel anything. As well as, I wasn't trying to blame you. I just, I don't understand what's happening right now."

It felt strange to put it out there and Logan regretted it. He hated the way Janus looked at him with a troubled expression.

Please don't pity me, Logic thinks.

"How does this relate to me?" Janus asks," I'm _definitely_ asking to be selfish, but I want to know why your predicament has perhaps interluded with me."

"I don't forget anything," Logan asserted," no matter how minor the memories are, no matter how important it is, no matter how much I want to forget it I will always remember it. Yet, I can't remember what happened in the past two days. I-I'm terrible for blaming you for my unaccountability."

Logan felt his throat cramp as he gripped his wrist, sinking his fingernails into his skin.

"You're- you're not terrible," Janus stuttered," you're _totally_ not going through emotional distress right now, and you look like Virgil at his worst."

Logic quirked his head a bit," his worst?"

"Pale, heavy bags, not distressed, and you're cold," Janus muttered.

Logan didn't notice Janus's hand was on top of his.

"I haven't been able to feel pain or human emotions for the past few weeks-" Logan threw his hands off Janus's to cover his mouth.

Deceit's eyes widened," when you're in my room, you _can_ control what lies you say. I have to ask, are you okay?"

"I'm alright," Logan could feel the lie burn in the back of his throat.

The snake squinted at him but sighed," you've been lying a lot Logan, I _do_ know what you're lying about. I can only feel when someone lies."

Logan nods as his answer.

"I want to cry, why?" Logan asked, unable to stop himself from being honest.

"Well you're _totally_ not lying about your emotions, so since you're in my room you don't have to lie about your emotions," Deceit explained.

Logan gulped, feeling his eyes burn with tears as his breathing becomes heavy. He doesn't want to cry, especially not in front of Janus.

"Well that concludes the mystery, thank you for your honesty Janus," Logan thanks, hastily getting up to leave.

"Hold it," Janus calls out, grabbing Logan's hand.

Logan turns to look at the scaled side. Janus looks away a bit, biting his lip only to turned back to face him with full confidence," Logan if you ever need to talk to someone. I'm here for you."

Logic nodded, the words felt like needles piercing his heart.  
———  
"He pities me," Logan whispered, looking at the papers scattered around his desk.

He returned to his room a short while, dissatisfied with the conversation he had with the deceitful side. His amnesic memory was his fault. All of this was his fault.

This is why they don't like me because I'm broken, Logan notions, I can't even remember anything, how am I supposed to be helpful if I can't even help myself.

Logan hadn't realized that he was crying until he saw teardrops fall onto his papers.

They must only keep me around for pity, Logan reasoned, I'm a pitiful side. I'm useless, I'm nothing.

The feeling of disconnection was emerging and Logan welcomed it. He didn't want to be held down by his feeling of self-guilt. He knew he'd return to feeling strong emotions but the feeling of seclusion from the world was peaceful, the feeling of disconnection was tranquil.

Why not end it, you'll be disconnected forever, the same thought occurred once again, and Logan didn't have the strength to argue.

He agreed with it.

What was my point anymore anyway? Logan thought.

The last thing Logan saw was his box cutter in his hand.  
———  
Roman knocked on Logan's door, his foot pouncing in fear. He didn't mean the words he said two days ago, he was just upset. He knew it didn't justify what he said and he needed to apologize.

"Logan, are you in there?" Roman asked, trying to open the door which was locked.

"I am residing in my room currently," Logan answered. His voice had a strange monotone sound to it but Roman ignored it.

Maybe he's just tired, or maybe he just sounds different because he's on the other side, Roman reasoned.

"Well uh- I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all those things about you, they weren't true and-"

"Roman, it's alright," Logan interrupted," I knew you _didn't_ mean it. We all make _simple_ errors from time to time."

The creative side's eyes widened," I- are you sure? You don't have to forgive me, what I said was shitty."

"It was, but all is forgiven. Let's forgive and _forget_ ," Logan suggests.

Roman ignored the feeling of dread that came from his heart when he heard Logan's suggestion," if you're sure."

"I am one hundred percent sure."

Roman nodded to himself and left. He blocked out the voices in his head that told him that something was wrong.

Maybe I just still feel bad, Roman thought.

"How'd it go?" Patton questioned.

"He forgave me, which is good I guess," Roman answered.

Virgil sipped his coffee, raising a brow," I can't be the only one who thinks Logan's been acting off, right?"

"I mean, maybe he's just busy," Patton suggests.

"But he doesn't forget anything," Virgil voiced.

"We all make mistakes, no one's perfect," Roman shrugged.

"May I add in my own opinion?"

The three sides turned to face the voice, they turned to see Deceit.

"Janus?! What are you doing here?" Virgil asked, glaring daggers at him.

Janus disregarded anxiety's glare," I too, _don't_ believe that there's something wrong with Logic."

"What do you know?" Roman inquired.

"Logan met up with me earlier today to ask if I was impersonating him for the last two days. Of course, that was a lie, as I _totally_ have better things to do than do that." Janus explained," when he was in my room, he _could_ lie and explained how he hasn't been able to perceive pain nor feel emotions for weeks. That is why I believe he hasn't been himself lately."

"I just talked to him though," Roman muttered," was I not talking to him then?"

"Maybe you were talking to him, he wasn't there," Virgil explained, knowing too well what Logan was going through," you think he's dissociating, right Janus?"

Deceit nods, watching as Patton puts a hand over his mouth and another clenching his shirt," Dissociating? Him I-I should have known something was wrong with him. We really need to check up on him."

The others nodded but Logan himself beat them to it. Logan appeared in front of them, his body shaking and all the colors in his face washed out.

"Hey, Logan- oh my goodness you look terrible!" Patton yelled concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont like doing cliffhangers but i have a lot planned 4 the next chapter >:)!! also dark side fans r about to be fed >:)!!


	5. Beneath the same sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: heavy references to self harm and suicide, panic attacks, crying, references to old/currect scars, food, self deprication

Only a few minutes after Logan left Deceit's room, Remus barged in with a large grin appearing on his face.

"Is he still here?!" Remus asked, looking around the room.

"I'm afraid you just missed him," Janus answered.

Remus groaned loudly," you know Logan's my favorite side to mess with! You should have told me he was coming over!"

Janus playfully rolled his eyes," well I _totally_ knew that he was coming over. Plus his reasoning for coming is something that I'd _love_ for you to help deal with."

Remus stuck his tongue out," I can be helpful sometimes!"

Janus nodded in acknowledgment. Remus turned to leave but he turned back as he recalled something.

"Woo also, Logans been having these crazy thoughts. They're hella wild," Remus joked.

Janus looked at Remus, his full attention now at the intrusive side," thoughts? What kind?"

"The same kind as Virgil's," Remus answered as his brows furrowed," wait, that's not good."

"So glad that you just realized that," Deceit remarked sarcastically," why _did_ you tell me sooner?"

"I thought those thoughts came from Walmart Gerard way. Wow I said thought a lot, oops I said it again-"

"Remus, focus."

"Yeah yeah, but as it turned out that it was coming from the dork himself." Remus continued," his mind would go blank for hours or days, which is wild cause he always had some kind of bizarre thoughts once in a while. Anywho, so Logan will go blank, then he starts thinking as fast as how the Black Plague spread. Then finally, he goes back to having a blank mind and it repeats. "

Janus stood there wide-eyed, surprised at the information told to him.

"Do you know what he thinks about?" Janus asks.

"Yeah, mostly about wanting to kill himself and how he's useless," Remus said nonchalantly.

"I- what?!" Janus yelled.

Remus blinked, confused as to why Janus seemed so shocked at what he just said. Remus stared at the ceiling, tapping his fingers when he finally realizes why Janus was upset.

"Oh yeah, those thoughts are bad too. Oops," Remus snapped his fingers as remembered.

Janus sighed, knowing that there was no use in arguing," I know you _did_ know better, but please remember that those thoughts are harmful. So, Logan isn't thinking but when he is it's all _positive_."

"Yeah homies dissociating," Remus shrugged," he's going through the same thing as Virgil did when Thomas was having really bad anxiety."

Janus bit his lip slightly, wishing he realized what Logan was going through sooner.

"Well thank you Remus, your information _wasn't_ helpful," Deceit thanked.

"You're welcome double diphallia," Remus said with a wink, and Janus grimaced," please don't ever call me that again."  
———  
Logan gasped awake, gripping his sheets as he looked around the pitch dark room. He couldn't recall what the nightmare was about, but the feeling of dread transfixed itself onto his skin. He felt horrible and insignificant.

"Why can't I remember anything," Logan muttered petrified.

What day did I talk to Janus? How long has it been since? Hours? Days? Weeks perhaps? Logan mind was racing as his breathing became a burden to him.

The logical side couldn't get himself together. Yet he still got up, ignoring his profound migraine as he walked to the kitchen. His body was uncontrollably shaking as the sides turned to face him.

"Hey Logan- oh my goodness you look terrible!" Patton yelled concerned.

Logan's vision was blurred, but he could slightly make out certain shapes, noticing an odd character among them," why- why is Janus here?"

"I came because I _wasn't_ worried when you started dissociating right before Roman apologized," Janus explained.

"He-he did?" Logan questioned.

"You really weren't joking, he really wasn't there," Roman uttered shocked.

Logan closed his eyes, masking himself from their worried looks and the bright room. Logan felt more agitated the longer he stood there, his breathing declined. He felt as if he was breathing in gravel than air.

"Logan can I touch you, I think you're having a panic attack," Virgil asked.

Logic slightly opened his eyes, aware that he was crying and being a mess in front of everyone.

Everyone now knows that you're a coward, a low voice whispered in his head.

Logan nodded, feeling Virgil wrap his arm over his shoulder. He took in a deep breath and suddenly found himself in his room surrounded by the other sides.

"Is he back?" He heard Patton ask.

"I don't know, Logan, you back with us?" Roman questioned.

Logan nodded," I am."

"What do you remember?" Deceit wondered out loud.

"I woke up having a panic attack and I suppose I tried functioning while having a panic attack, but that's illogical," Logan muttered," Forgive me, I hadn't meant for you all had to witness all of that."

"No Logan don't apologize! It's not your fault for this," Patton interrupts," we just wanted to make sure that you're okay."

The other sides nodded in agreement.

Should I tell them? Logan wonders, they probably know so why does it matter.

"What do you know is happening," Logan inquires.

"You've been dissociating for who knows how long and it's been affecting your mental health," Virgil replied.

Logan nodded slightly, he opened his mouth but Roman interrupted him.

"Wait! I just- I need to say I'm sorry before you forget again," Roman said quickly," maybe my first apology wasn't the greatest but- but I'm sorry. It's my fault that this is happening, I shouldn't have said what I said two days ago. It wasn't even that big of a deal but I made it one, and I hurt you in the process. My actions aren't excusable and you don't have to forgive me, but I'm sorry for saying untrue things about you. We do want you here, we need you here. I'm sorry that my ignorance caused all of this."

Logan stared at the creative side with wide eyes, feeling tears form," I- Roman, I accept your apology."

"Are you sure? You don't have to," Roman double checks.

Logan nods," I'm positive, furthermore it isn't just your fault for my behavior. It's my own as well, I knew what would've happened if I removed my emotions, yet I continued because I believed that it would increase my work. It had, but this constant numbness isn't an improvement. I don't want to wake up missing several days, I don't want to suddenly feel emotions then go back to being a metaphorical robot. This switch mindset is unhealthy and I'm worried about how this continuous behavior will affect Thomas. In short, I should be saying sorry as well."

A tranquil quiet filled the room before a sniffling sound came from Patton. Patton was crying as he tackled hugged Logan.

"I'm so sorry Logi!!" Patton cried, crushing Logan.

The logical side felt warm. He hadn't been hugged in a long time and he forgot how good it felt to be held and cared for.

"I-ow- told you-ow-to not -ow-call me- logi-ow!!" Logan winced.

"Patton you _shouldn't_ let go," Janus said.

"Yeah sorry I'm just, wow I'm feeling a lot," Patton jokes, wiping his eyes of tears.<

"You feeling better teach?" Virgil asked. 

Logan nodded," much better." 

< "However Logan, there's one more thing I'd like to bring up," Janus's voice suddenly turned serious," Remus didn't tell me that you've been dealing with some peculiar thoughts. I believe now is the perfect time to talk about it." 

Logan's eyes widened as he gripped his sweater sleeve. Virgil instantly knew what Janus meant," Logan, you didn't did you?" 

Logan bit his lip and Roman and Patton stared at the three sides confused. 

"Wait what's going on?" Roman interrogated. 

"I-," Logan paused. 

If you say it then they'll pity you. They'll keep dotting you. They'll never stop feeling sorry for you. They'll never let this mistake go, a voice in his head told him. 

Logan felt a hand grip his, he looked at the hand and saw that it belonged to Janus, "Logan, you can tell them it'll be okay." 

It'll be okay. Those three words made his heart flutter. Those words were what he needed to hear for the longest time. Logan slightly nodded, taking in a deep breath," I need to confess to something, when I was dealing with my bitter emotions I took it out on myself." 

The logical side pulled down his sleeve slightly but stopped when he saw his wrists. His eyes widened in terror and he quickly pulled his sleeve back up. Logan could feel his heart rate accelerate as the image of his wrists wouldn't leave his mind. 

"Kiddo, you don't have to show us if it's too much," Patton said softly. 

"It-it isn't that I just-oh god," Logan couldn't comprehend words. 

I tried killing myself, Logan realized. 

"Logan?" Virgil whispered. 

Logan rapidly stood up, forcing himself off Patton and Janus. He looked at the sides, who wouldn't take their eyes off him. Logan shut his eyes, hating the attention. He hated the look of pity they showed him. 

"I-I'll be back," Logan stated, his voice trembling as he rushed to the bathroom. 

Everything felt too close. He couldn't stand how warm they were compared to his freezing skin. Logan locked the door, sinking onto the ground. He unraveled his sleeve, staring at the fresh cuts that covered his skin. 

I must have tried killing myself then fell asleep, Logan realized in horror. 

Logic could feel himself begin to lose consciousness. He closed his eyes, letting the sounds of his heavy breathing be the only sound he headed till he heard the door knock. 

"Logan, please _don't_ let me in," he heard Janus say. 

He fixed his sleeves and opened the door to let Deceit in. The scaled side looked at the other side with a small frown," Logan, did you do something to your arms?" 

"I-" 

He couldn't admit it. He couldn't admit to the other side that he tried to remove himself from everyone forever. He couldn't admit that he once thought that the feeling of disconnection felt better than being living. He couldn't admit that he tried killing himself only a few hours ago. 

"You tried killing yourself, correct?" Janus muttered softly, taking Logan's hand," Remus told me that you've thought of it for a while." 

Logan began crying again. 

"I-I didn't even realize I did it," Logan admitted," I don't-what do I do? I don't know what to do anymore Janus, I'm so scared." 

Janus pulled Logan close, letting the logical side cry on his shoulder. 

"It'll be okay," Deceit whispered repeatedly, rubbing circles onto his back. 

It didn't take long for Logan to calm down, yet the scaled side could still see the hurt look in Logan's eyes. He continued to hold the other hand," are you ready to go back to the others?" 

Logan nodded so Janus continued to speak," are you alright with the others helping you clean up your wounds, or would you like to do it yourself?" 

Logic squinted a bit, thinking about what he should choose before saying," I-I'd like the others to help, my hands are shaky." 

Deceit nods and takes out the first aid kit from under the sink. He gently pulls the logical side back to his bed where the others were waiting. Logan took in a deep breath and unraveled his sleeve, showing everyone his arm full of marks. He closed his eyes and turned away, not wanting to see anyone's disappointed reaction. 

They must hate me now, Logan thinks, they must think I'm weak now. 

"Just grip Janus's hand if it hurts a lot," he hears Roman say as he dips a bit of rubbing alcohol onto a cotton ball. 

Logic opens his eyes to find everyone with a worried yet comforting look. Roman was pouring rubbing alcohol while the other two sides were preparing the bandages.  
"You're-youre not disappointed in me?" Logan questioned. 

Patton looks at him baffled," disappointed? Why would we? Logan, you were upset and just trying to cope. We're just worried for you." 

"Yeah and if I got mad at you for self-harming, then I'd be a damn hypocrite," Virgil joked. 

"Language," Patton muttered. Virgil and Roman just snorted in response. 

Roman gently wiped off the dried blood with the cotton ball. Logan quietly hissed in pain, gripping Janus's hand. Virgil would place the bandages on top of the now clean cuts, making sure that they were secured onto the skin. Once they finished cleaning up the logical side wounds he fixed his sleeve, a wave of tiredness hitting him. 

"Have a light snack before you sleep Logi," Patton muttered, summoning a warm glass of milk and two cookies. 

Logan tiredly ate the cookies and drank the milk, feeling himself succumb to sleep. 

"Sleep well," Janus muttered, tenderly kissing his forehead as he gently put Logan back to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus will b back, I still have plans 4 this fic! also ouch writing this was a bitch, still have no idea if I'm gonna ship deceit and Logan but we'll see ig.


	6. sparking some

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: jokes/references to grave robbing, jokes/references to building fire, food

Each side left Logan's room, yet stayed huddled together in the living room.

"Poor Logan, I wish we had realized sooner," Patton sighed, placing a hand on his chin.

Roman nodded in agreement, "I feel you, Pat, specs shouldn't face such treacherous demons alone!"

Virgil clenched his jaw, looking at his socks. Janus looked at the anxious side with a worried expression," are you alright Virgil?"

The anxious looked at Deceit as he bit on his fingernail," I just-I should have known something was wrong. I'm the embodiment of Anxiety, I could have prevented or lessoned Logan's suffering."

"The past is in the past kiddo, we can't change the past but we can change the future," Patton muttered.

"I know but if I just-"

"But ifs or what-ifs can't change what already happened, all that we can do is learn from our past experiences and grow from then," Patton smiled, getting up," I'm gonna go get some cookies, I think we all deserve a cookie or two."

Patton left the room and headed to the kitchen. The other sides sat there in silence.

"Damn y'all are quieter than the graveyard I robbed last night," Remus suddenly said, appearing from behind the couch.

Virgil screamed in shock," oh my- oh fuck you, Remus!!"

"Wait you did what in a graveyard last night?!" Roman asked concerned.

"Language! Both of you!" Patton sternly said, placing a carton of cookies down onto the table.

Remus shrugged and shoved an entire cookie into his mouth without swallowing," okay so what's with this pity party?? I'm pretty sure even Ivan the Terrible had better parties and he was a genocidal dictator."

The other sides stared at the intrusive side with a confused expression. Remus shrugged and swallowed another cookie," what I'm asking is why do you all look like you've just come from a funeral? Or like you witnessed a children's school be burned and you're trying to pretend-"

"Please don't bring children into this!" Patton requested, pulling his hands over his ears.

The intrusive side just playfully rolled his eyes while Janus began explaining," we _didn't_ learn a lot from Logan concerning his mental health and we're _not_ trying to process and were _not_ reeling."

Remus brow raised," oh this about the nerd's self-deprecation-"

"Don't say it so nonchalantly!" Roman voiced angrily.

The two creative twins stared daggers at each other, only a few seconds away from starting a riot in the living room.

"Let's not fight right now?? Like Logan is sleeping and uh-who knows how long it's been since he's gotten a full night's sleep," Virgil uttered annoyed at the twin's behaviors.

Roman sighed, brushing some hair off his forehead," you're right, sorry Virge."

Virgil's eyes widened when Roman apologized. He wasn't expecting an apology.

Maybe this incident finally made Roman get something through his thick skull, Virgil thought, chuckling to himself.

"What's funny?" Patton asked, his head tilting a bit.

Virgil shrugged.

Remus looked at Virgil before saying," he's totally making fun of Roman in his head."

"I-no!!!" Virgil retorts, clearly lying which Deceit could tell.

Janus smiled to himself at Virgil's reaction. Roman saw the scaled side's smile and gasped dramatically," I say sorry and get dragged like this?? I'm wounded Virgil, my heart is now broken."

Virgil rolled his eyes," yeah yeah princy, but to get a bit serious what should we do with Logan now?"

The room fell back into an uncomfortable silence, each side thinking of possible ideas until Remus voiced," wait, has anyone said therapy?"

"No has said anything yet," Roman sneered," and that idea is-"

Remus's words processed in Roman's head before he finished his sentence," wait, that's actually not a bad idea."

"How did we not think of that yet?" Patton questioned.

"Yeah I used to go to therapy too, we really are lacking brain cells without Logan," Virgil added jokingly.

"Yeah-wait why I did I think of that??" Remus asks," I'm the one that never thinks."

"I mean you do think-"

Remus interrupts Patton," no you carebear, I speak before I think. I defy the law of human function by doing that."

The intrusive side chuckled as Virgil took a bit off his cookie," yeah, I believe that."

"We _shouldn't_ call Thomas to ask for him to summon Dr.Picani," Janus said," as well as, we should tell Thomas what's been happening."

Each side nodded as Patton excitedly clapped his hand together," I miss Picani! Can't wait to see him!"

Each side sunk to Thomas's living room, where Thomas was sitting on the couch watching Parks and Recs for the fiftieth time. However, it seemed that Thomas wasn't processing anything and was robotically eating popcorn.

"Hi, son!!" Patton waved.

Thomas didn't answer. Patton sighed," okay love don't fail me now. Kiddo can you get up and show us your great face."

Thomas still didn't answer so Remus made him think of a disturbing thought. Thomas sat up in shock, looking at each side with a bewildered expression," what are you all doing here? I mean other than Logan, wait, where is Logan??"

"Logan's been going through a lot so he's getting some sleep," Virgil answered," but speaking of going through a lot, no offense Thomas but uh-"

"You look like hot garbage," Roman finished.

"I mean not really- well uh- yeah, you look like a mess. You doing okay kiddo?" Patton asked.

Thomas winced a bit at Roman's harsh criticism. His hair was unruly and he hadn't changed his shirt in while. "I don't know, I've been spacing out a lot and my friends have to repeatedly explain themselves because I can't remember nor can I understand anything."

Janus nodded," _doesn't_ make sense because of Logic's dissociation."

"Dissociation?" Thomas repeated confused," Logans dissociating??"

Each side nodded as Thomas stared wide-eyed," oh."

"Oh indeed," Patton replied," Logi's been going through some heavy self-depreciation and dissociation. So, Remus thought about sending Logi to see Dr.Picani to get some help."

"Remus thought of that?" Thomas looked at Remus, who shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm surprised to Tim Tom."

"Anywho, can you summon Picani?" Roman requested.

Thomas just shrugged and summon the therapist's side. Picani rose, a smile on his face as he waved at each side," hello everyone!!"

The sides greeted him as Picani looked at Thomas," So what's with the call? Should've called me during movie night! Are we having a family reunion or something?"

"No, we're just wondering if you'd be able to talk to Logan, he's been having some _great self-affirmations_ and _totally_ hasn't been dissociating," Janus requested.

Picani pondered for a moment, flicking his pen at his chin when he turned back to face the sides," I will! And I have the perfect cartoon and character I'm going to talk about with him!"

"How is he so good at his job??" Remus muttered amazed yet confused to Virgil, who shrugged in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik Picani isnt a side but let me have this. sorry its short too, next one should be longer cause its therapy time!!


	7. electrify mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ive never watched that much cartoons so even though cartoon therapy is about cartoon, I'm having them discuss anime cause I can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: food, references to killing creatures, references to dissecting an organ, implied reference to self harm, references to character deaths, repression, references to sexual assualt, alcholism, references to depression, jjba spoilers.

Logan slowing woke up, noting the jar of crofters and a small note card on his desk. Logan stood from the bed and read the note.

_Hey Logan :)!!  
The famILY thought it would be a good idea that you saw Dr.Picani! We know this is sudden and we probably should have asked for your approval, but I hope you aren't mad at us!! Your appointment is at 2 pm!  
Love, Patton and ur famILY_

Logan looked at his watch and saw that it was twelve-thirty. He winced slightly, feeling a bit guilty that he overslept. Logan got up, refreshing himself, and left his room. The logical side was bombarded with hugs from Patton when he stepped into the kitchen.

"Logi!!! Did you sleep well? Do you want a little snack? Or a drink? Or you hungry-"

Remus covered Patton's mouth," sup Trekkie."

"Hello to you as well Remus," Logan replied," I hadn't realized you were here."

"Yeah I got here yesterday, it's hella boring slaying chimeras all day," Remus shrugged.

Patton's eyes widened as slightly moved away from Remus," language. And sorry about that kiddo, just feeling a lot. But my multiple questions still stand!"

"I am feeling admirable and I am a bit hungry," Logan answered, holding his gifted crofters in his hand.

"Okay! Imma let you make some toast! Oh, and did you get the letter?" Patton asked.

Logan nodded," I did, thank you. Your kind words did uplift my spirit."

Patton smiled widely as he left for another area of the room. The logical side rechecked his watch, mentally noting that he had an hour and thirty minutes left till he had to meet Dr.Picani.

"When this is all over," Remus suddenly said," you're coming with me to dissect a heart."

Logan tried not to show any expression, but he couldn't help the small smile," that sounds wonderful Remus.

———  
Dr.Picani is an entire character of his own. From his pastel ties to his graphic socks, not to mention the multiple cartoon figurines that scattered all over his office, Dr.Picani himself was an interesting character. The loud entrance Dr.Picani sang scared Logan, he didn't know if he screamed or not but Dr.Picani made no show or reaction until he reached his chair.

"Logan! I haven't seen you in a while! Off on an adventure or quest somewhere?" Picani questioned, pulling out his black journal.

"That's a facetious question, correct?" Logan questions back.

Picani shrugged gleefully," it can be whatever you want it to be, so what brings you here?"

Logan sighed, tired of hearing childish questions," well there is an issue concerning my mental health, that is why I'm here aren't I?"

The therapist nodded," for you, yes. Some people go to therapy just to talk, you can seek a therapist whenever you need to."

Logan stayed silent, digging his fingernails onto his arm.

I know that Logan thought.

"Here," Picani gave Logan a Batman stress ball.

Logan examined the stress toy," Batman? Really?"

"Hey, bats are cute! And even Batman needs something to destress himself," Picani justified.

Logan stayed silent for a moment, gripping the stress toy when he said," I-I've been dissociating a lot. They're very severe cases where I forget weeks of information because I'm not mentally there. It's very bizarre."

"This is just as bizarre as Jojo bizarre adventure," Picani wrote.

Logan groaned, realizing where this was going," Jojo bizarre adventure is a show right?"

Picani slightly jumped from his sweet, you betcha! Do you know anything about it?"

Logan shook his head and Picani's smile grew," excellent! Jjba follows the journey of each Joestar descendent, who all carry a star-shaped birthmark, as they go through their quests, whether it be from having to kill the hundred-year-old vampire to finding and killing a hand fetish serial killer. Each season is consistent with different parts, where every part focuses on a different Joestar, however, part five is different."

"How?" Logan asks.

"In part one, we meet Jonathan Joestar, the first decadent of the Joestar, a selfless gentleman who'd do anything to do the right thing. His adoptive brother, Dio Brando, was the complete opposite, however. Dio was selfish and believed for all of that he's been through, that he deserved ultimate power. In trying to find ultimate power, he finds a mask that turns him into a vampire. In the end, on a burning ship Jonathan held Dio's cut off head in an attempt to end his brother's life. Sadly, however, Dio survived by taking over Jonathan's body and continued to hunt the Joestars till his death by Jotaro, Jonathan's great-great-grandson. How this relates to part five is that when Dio had Jonathan's body, he met a lady and had a child with her. That child ended up being a mixture of both Dio and Jonathan, and the only one out of Dio's other children to carry the Joestar birth symbol," Picani explained," Giorno, that's the child's name, was different from his Joestar family by being a descendant of Dio. Being different must be hard, is it not?"

Logan bit his lip, surprised that his lips weren't bleeding," I do believe that I am different, but I wouldn't push it that far."

Picani nodded in acknowledgment, writing something down onto his journal," while that is true, that brings me to Giorno's goal. Giorno witnessed his home, Naples, be ruined by drugs and crime. In his wish to change the city, he decides to become a gang star and join the mafia."

"Wait how old is he?" Logan asks.

"Fifteen."

Logan squinted his eyes in confusion at Picani, who just chuckled nervously," ha yeah, kids are wild. Anywho, in the mafia Giorno meets his team members, all of them stand users."

"Stand users?" Logan repeats confused.

"In the jjba world, certain people can manifest their soul into a physical form. Each stand has its own abilities, my favorite example is Pannacotta Fugo. His stand, Purple Haze, is the embodiment of his repressed anger. Other stand users are generally able to control who their stand attacks, yet Fugo is unable to control his stand. Like how he is unable to fix his anger. Fugo's stand is powerful, as it's a virus that kills anything in its range. But his fear for himself is what stops Fugo from releasing his stand."

"Two questions, his name is pudding? Secondly, what does this have to do with me?" Logan raised.

"Yeah Jojo names make no sense, one character is just named ham. And for the second question, don't you think that you repress your own emotions sometimes?" Picani queried," not just anger, but fear, sadness, joy, etc?"

The logical side sighed, knowing that him saying that he didn't feel was him trying to repress emotions. He knew that the reason for this entire predicament was his repression.

"I believe that you are correct," Logan sadly admitted.

Picani scribbled something down onto his journal," as I think about it, you and Fugo have a lot in common. Both are super-geniuses that repress their negative emotions."

"I guess, but I have a justification for my behavior," Logan voiced," my emotions get in the way and it would be better if I was there to be the smart guy and leave. That's all I'm needed for anyway.  
Picani stared at the logical side with a sad expression. Logan stared away uncomfortable at the pity showed to him.

"Well, do you feel like your intelligence is being used? That all you are is your intelligence?" Picani muttered, causing Logan to face back the therapist.

"Yes but, I was made for a way to store Thomas's intelligence," Logan justifies.

"You were also curiosity at one point," Picani points out," Fugo was the same, in the sense of being made for intelligence. Fugo's parents wanted to keep staying wealthy and stay in the spotlight. So, when Fugo was born the child was forced to maintain the perfect intelligent child role.

Logan tsked regretfully, remembering how he used to study all day because Roman would keep enforcing the idea that playing was better than learning.

"Fugo's parent didn't know about their son's anger as he had repressed it until he eventually snapped," Dr.Picani continued," there are different reasons for his eventual snap. One story is that his caring grandmother's death caused the snap, while another is that he was sexually abused by a teacher he trusted. Although the stories are different, all reasons remain the same. He lost trust in the people he cared about. Would you say that you lost trust?"

"I-" Logan paused, he didn't want to admit it.

He knew that the others cared for him, he saw them care for him, yet he still couldn't believe it. Logan believed that their kindness was a ruse and that they were only being kind because they had to. He knew that his negative thinking was wrong, but the thoughts stayed.

Logan shamefully nodded," I don't know if they care for me, I-I want to believe that they do but it's just hard to."

"It's hard to believe that the people that care about us do care for us," Picani said. " It's easier to believe the negative thoughts than the good ones, it takes strength to believe in the positive and keep going forward."

"But I'm not strong," Logan admitted," every time I get too upset I blackout. My body forces a disconnection from my mind because I am too weak to face my problems."

"But you're here. You're getting help and you're being honest," Picani uttered," there's another character that went through the same thing you did, Leone Abbacchio."

Logan looked at the therapist," he went through disconnection of his mind and fell into a deep depression?"

"Well uh- not the dissociation, but he had the same negative thinking," Picani explained," Leone used to want to be a police officer, yet he realized that he couldn't fix the corruption so he aided it by taking bribes from criminals. During a robbery a criminal who Leone took a bribe from shot his partner. Abbacchio never recovered from it and blamed himself for his partner's death. He began drinking to cope with his depression. Abbacchio had no hope for the future until he meets Bruno. A turning point in part 5 is where the gang learns that the boss wants to kill his daughter, Bruno who was supposed to be the boss's bodyguards betrays the boss by fleeing away from him. In doing so Bruno is now a traitor and the boss and his guards will hunt him down. Bruno tells the other members what he has done and gives them an option, stays and be safe, or follow him and become a traitor. The other gang members call Bruno an idiot for doing so, yet Abbacchio still follows him. Saying that the only time he's ever felt at ease was when he was with him."

Logan thinks about the times where a certain scaled side helped him at ease, his face now blushing.

"Awe you look like Kirby," Picani joked. 

"Please don't," Logan uttered embarrassed," but in short, Abbacchio had no hope until he found someone. How does that relate to me? I'm not going to be an alcoholic any time soon nor will I betray a mafia boss."

"While all of that is correct, you still found hope in the people that cared about you," Picani showed," the others helped you through your disconnection and you found hope in the idea of getting better with their help, correct?"

Logan nodded," if it weren't for them I wouldn't be here."

Picani nodded in agreement," yep!"

"I'm sorry that I'm such a downer, but how do I deal with these negative emotions? I've always tried repressing them but that doesn't help," Logan questioned.

"On the boat, everyone joined Bruno but Fugo. Everyone in the gang had a terrible past but didn't let it define who they were, Fugo couldn't however. Where everyone trusted themselves that they'd survive, Fugo didn't believe in himself so he didn't join his family," Picani noted.

"I don't get what you're saying," Logan muttered confused.

"Don't let your negativity define and ruin your trust in others," Picani said," Abbacchio met Bruno and put his full trust in him. Leone was prideful and easily angered, yet he eventually let his pride go to make sure that everyone would survive. Perhaps you should let go of your role just being Logic. You're not just Logic, you feel emotions to Logan. If not for your joy of learning, then Thomas wouldn't have learned about mental health and he wouldn't have made Sander Sides. You contribute by having emotions, you need to let your walls down, Logan. It is easier said than done, but your family will be here for you."

Logan hadn't realized he was crying until he was handed a napkin.

"It'll be okay Logan," Picani smiled.  
———  
"How was it?" Janus asked, pouring the other a cup of tea as the sun began to set.

"It went well," Logic answered, sipping the tea," I also wanted to say thank you for helping with my mental health."

Janus nodded, a small smile forming," you're _not_ welcome, I hated seeing you upset. Glad to see that you're _not_ doing better."

The logical side nodded as well, smiling to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jjba is my other obsession,,,I had to. Also omg one more chapter!!! I'm super excited thank you so much for all of the support, it really helped give me motivation to finish this so I can't thank u all enough. sorry for lack of cartoon references i didnt watch that much cartoon as a kid


	8. buttercup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loceit fans come get yall juice.   
> TW: food, references to fighting

The next few weeks were pleasant for the logical side. His mental health increased for the better and he saw an increase in work. Moments of stress or anger would occur, yet he didn't have to repress it. He knew that his family was there for him and knowing that severely helped Logan through the difficult times of recovering. The logical side also noted how much the sides cared for him. He saw how he'd be encouraged to say his opinions as well as be invited to family nights more than usual. Logan wasn't complaining, he felt appreciated. There were moments where he believed that he didn't deserve their generosity, but each side's affirmation that he deserved better helped with Logan's cognitive thinking. In short, Logan was doing swimmingly and he couldn't ask for more.  
———

Logan was invited for a movie night by the deceitful side. Logan ignored his heart fluttering as he entered the dark sides area, a small smile forming as he knocked on Janus's door. Janus opened and he allowed for the other side in, closing the door after both of them entered his room.

"Hello, Logan, _terrible_ to see you well," Janus said, a small smile forming as he laid on the heated bean bag.

Logan sat beside him crossing his legs," to you as well Janus."

Janus's smile grew as he pulled out his laptop," I have a documentary we _shouldn't_ watch, it's about the incident of Chernobyl."

Logan's eyes widened in excitement," that sounds thrilling."

The scaled side nodded in agreement, pulling a fluffy blanket between them. He summoned some popcorn for the two of them and the documentary began. The documentary was interesting as it went on about the incident of Chernobyl, as well as how the nuclear radiation was changing the building's structure. However, Logan had another thing on his mind. Logan knew he would never be able to repay the kindness Deceit showed him, yet he wanted to. The logical side wanted to show affection to the scaled side.

Friends hold hands right? It wouldn't mean anything if I held his hand, he held my hands. That doesn't mean anything, Logan thought to himself.

"Logan I can practically hear the gears in your head turning," Janus voiced.

Logan jumped a bit at the sudden voice, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed about his reaction. He knew he couldn't get away with it," I'm just thinking."

"About?" Janus turns to look at the logical side.

Logan sighed," can-can we hold hands?

Janus's eyes widened surprised before he smiled widely, letting a small chuckle escape his lips," you're such a nerd Logan, of course, we can."

Janus held Logan's hand and moved closer to the logical side, whose face now becoming pink.

"You're suddenly close," Logan stated.

"Well you're _not_ warm and appealing right now," Janus shrugged.

Logan was going to die. Yep. His heart was racing and he was just called appealing," wait, a-appealing?"

Janus looked at Logan with a confused expression," yeah for someone so good at hiding his emotions, your face gets pink really easily."

Logan shrieked, hiding his cheeks with his heads," oh no."

"I _do_ mind, it's cute," Janus said nonchalantly, "I've made it clear that I like you, so even embarrassed you _aren't_ tolerable."

"You made what clear?!" Logan questioned.

The scaled side paused the documentary, looking at the logical side with a bewildered expression," you didn't realize?"

"You like me? As in like like me?" Logan asked.

Deceit put a hand over his mouth and began laughing," oh my goodness Logan you're _so smart_."

"I- I didn't know!!" Logan screeched.

The other rolled his head back, a large smile appearing," so all those hand holdings and kisses were just us being close friends?"

Logan groaned embarrassed," I-I thought so."

"For someone so intelligent you're a bit dumb sometimes," Janus joked," but in short, I do like you. You don't have to reciprocate my feelings and I understand if you _don't_ want continue to be friends with me."

"No I-I think I like you too," Logan rebutted," I'm not well at handeling emotions of love but I think- I know that I share strong emotions for you Janus."

"Good, it _wouldn't_ be awkward if only I held feelings," Janus admitted, placing his head on top of the other's shoulder.

———  
"You guys are dating!!" Patton shrieked joyfully, practically jumping from where he stood.

"Yes, and please don't break the ground," Logan uttered concerned for the moral side.

"How does he find love before me? I mean like good for you Logan! I'm glad that you're happy but man, I thought I'd be first to find true love," Roman uttered.

Logan shrugged as he noticed Janus and Virgil glaring at each other.

"You better not do anything," Virgil hissed.

"How are you so small yet harbor so much anger?" Deceit quered.

"I am the perfect size to beat your ass, Janus."

"Language!" Patton warned.

"Woo! Is there a fight?" Remus implored, appearing on top of the fridge.

"Get off the fridge!!" Patton said sternly.

Remus just stuck his tongue out as Logan sighed, shaking his head. He witnessed each side fall into their own childish dilemma over the news, yet he wouldn't give this up for anything. He was happy that things were returning to normal. Logan missed these days and he knew more days like this would come. And if negative days were to come then that'd be okay, they would deal with it when it came. He was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the shortest chapter but i hope the loceit content was good. and with that the book is complete :D!!! thank you for the kudos and comments, ur kindess and support helped a lot and it means a lot that u enjoyed this fic :)! i hope u all stay safe and take care of urself <3!


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